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Easter Secrets from Beyond the Grave

Okay - if anyone didn't know what the heck I was talking about in the last entry when I said - Okay - there's a robin CARRYING an egg! (Do you think that's an African or a European robin?) This was a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail - the whole coconut/swallow episode. My buddy Wally pointed out to me that he had no idea what I was talking about. Sorry - my brain works in very mysterious ways. Thanks, Wally!!

I'm going to have to figure how how to pace my candy reviews better. I have more Easter candy than I have time. And let's face it - who will care after Easter? Heck, I'm not sure who cares now!

But I have made some startling discoveries in today's batch of Easter treats. I've said it before and I'll say it again - the truth is in the autopsy. Let's start with Wonka's Golden Creme Egg:

So much for the illusion of Willie Wonka - there's Nestle stamped on the egg as clear as day. (Where's a good Ooompa Loompa when you need one?)

Now the wrapper describes this as "chocolate creme and caramel with graham flavored cookie pieces in a milk chocolate shell." But the autopsy reveals:

A sadly thin layer of caramel - a swipe really - I don't know where the "chocolate creme" is. See how thick the chocolate "shell" is? This is a lot like a Nestle Crunch bar - I couldn't really tell what the graham flavored cookie pieces were. Could have been graham flavored, could have been those rice crisp things. Not as good as the wrapper makes it sound.

If you want caramel, here's where to look:

Look how oooey, gooey and downright sensuous that is! (That's the best cut I could make, by the way - the caramel was exploding out of there.) That's the best caramel egg I've seen. Now, there's no exotic sea salt, this is ghetto caramel compared to all that, but it is damn good. I mean look at it!!!

Now before we go having the Cadbury Easter parade, I have a bone to pick with them. I loved the regular Cadbury creme egg and I had vivid memories of eating the white creme and the yellow yolk. So delish and so cool because it was like a real egg! So I was thrilled to find these:

The big egg was always a little much - I thought these would be perfect! But look what the autopsy revealed:

Do you see it?? Do you? The horror, the horror! That is ORANGE creme!! ORANGE! These are not supposed to be the orange creme eggs! I cut open a few more just to make sure. How can this be? Do I really have to cut all my candy open to make sure it is what it is supposed to be? The hell with pistachios - the FDA needs to get on this!

But just when you think all is lost:

Yahoo!!! Look at that! That is Butterfinger pieces in a peanut butter creme!!!! Yeah, baby!! This was a great surprise and awesome!!

So what do we learn from this?

Don't judge a candy by its wrapper, a book by its cover or a person by their looks. What matters at the end of the day is what's on the inside.

But don't start autopsying your friends and associates. Time will show you who they are inside - and you can stay out of prison.

I still have no explanation for the Cadbury creme eggs filled with orange. A mistake? An overrun of orange creme? Or an Easter miracle? Some things in life will never be known - like the airspeed velocity of a coconut laden swallow.

So Much Candy, So Little Time

Geez - Easter is here and there's so much more candy to review! (Hey, if that's the biggest problem I have, I'm pretty darn lucky, huh? It's all about perspective.) Things are still on track with the guy I like - I hate to talk too much about it - afraid I'll jinx it. Suffice it to say, if I go down in flames, I'll let you know.

We've seen in past holidays that some candy makers just throw out the same old stuff in a different package. Well, we have some of that with Easter. The Least Possible Holiday Effort award goes to Tootsie Roll:

Okay - could this packaging be any uglier? This is the most depressing Spring packaging EVER. Boo!!!

Now Tootsie did better with the Pops:

They have an egg shape! Creative! Not the world's most festive wrapper - how about a chick or a bunny? But at least not so suicidal. Look at the egg pops:



That blue thing is raspberry (NOT my fav), pink (cherry) was good. I don't know why these are colored so differently than the regular Tootsie Pops. I mean, it's not like these are some crazy spring colors. But I like the idea and it is a different candy for the season. I also think these have a better Tootsie to Pop ratio than the regular pops. But it's possible that's my imagination. I honestly don't care enough to really try and figure that out. It hurts my brain to think about actually (weights, ratios, ugh).

These are all solid entries - you already know what you're going to get. Kissables (which I like) has some great Easter colors and a rabbit. I like chicks and rabbits and think they should be on all Easter candy wrappers.

When I was a kid we used to get malted milk eggs (robin eggs) in our Easter baskets. I remember my little brother getting all pastel coloring all over his mouth. Or maybe he would just chew one up and get me to look at his as he opened his mouth. Little brothers are experts in gross. But I don't think they make these like they used to. Here's what I could find:

Okay - there's a robin CARRYING an egg! (Do you think that's an African or a European robin?)Whoppers remind me the most of the taste of the eggs I remember, but the colors are too garish:

Of course, after those Tootsie Roll wrappers, these are a Godsend.

These fancy-schmancy ones are from Williams-Sonoma. More florescent than the ones I remember and (trust me) WAY more expensive, but these are the best of the malted milk eggs. The only thing I didn't like about them is that the green ones actually have a little lime flavor to the candy coating. I wasn't too keen on that. But the chocolate layer is definitely of a high quality. And they are pretty. I like pretty.









NECCO rejoins the candy party with PAAS splashed malted milk eggs in ice cream flavors:

Okay - let's just slow down here. PAAS makes Easter egg dye, right? I mean, the name is synonymous with Easter, but.....on candy? And do we really need ice cream flavors? And when the hell did orange become an ice cream flavor? Aren't we talking sherbet here? What the hell is going on?





Look at that purple and orange monstrosity! GLAACK! YUCK! Too orange, too ugly. Strawberry tastes like the crunch berries in Captain Crunch coated with some waxy strawberry stuff. Vanilla is okay as is chocolate, but there's no malt here. All taste like some kind of bad cereal. These have the feel of a candy made in a third world country. But on a good note, they do have both a rabbit and a duck on the package.

Look at this confectionery artistry from Germany for Williams-Sonoma:




These are chocolate truffle eggs and they are gorgeous as well as delicious:

From the horrifying to the sublime, Easter candy offers something for everyone. It's all there for you to enjoy! (And on Monday it will be half price!)

And remember in the great Easter Egg hunt of life:

1.) Sometimes what you're looking for is right under your nose.

2.) The early bird gets the most eggs.

3.) The real winner is the one who had the most fun.

4.) You are grown up when you have more fun helping the other kids find the eggs.

5.) If the Easter bunny doesn't make you smile, you need to loosen up.

6.) The only things you'll find in the hunt that you can take with you are your memories. Fill your days with good ones.

So wear the biggest Easter bonnet you can find, share your candy, and stop and smell the flowers. Life is sweet and all too short - savor every second.

Male Ego Delusion, Fruit and Nuts

Hi Gang!! Happy Friday or Saturday! (Or if you're reading this on Monday - I hope you had a great weekend!) I've got a date lined up with the guy I like, so keep your fingers crossed. I'm taking it slow and trying not to get my hopes up - which is hard! In the meantime, I am still hearing from the match.comers. One man simply will not give up. He kept e-mailing me so I finally decided to respond. (I usually just ignore men I'm not interested in.) But he wouldn't give up - he was sure if I saw more pictures of him working out (I kid you not) I would want to go out with him.

He's 50, not a bad looking guy, but he's already got a shirtless pic on match.com and I really don't need to see anymore. There seems to be a lot of MED (Male Ego Delusion) on match. The profile is what always either gets me to give the guy a chance (funny ALWAYS gets a chance) or not. This man's profile was a total turn-off. Besides talking about how physical he likes to get and how much he likes to kiss (I mean puleeze - save that - it's just creepy in a profile), he wrote "I'm looking for a woman who wears high heels with almost all of her apparel." You have got to be kidding. This guy is 50 and that's the best he's got?

So I decide to tell Mr. MED the truth - I e-mail and say "We're not a match - I don't wear high heels with most of my apparel." I don't. I spend a good 25% of my time in gym clothes. And I don't want to date a man who's looking for any bimbo in heels. I bring WAY more to the table than that.

Would you believe he doesn't give up? He says the profile was written quickly and the high heel thing really isn't a requirement. (Hmmmm....they why the hell did you write it?) I don't want a guy changing his profile so I'll take the bait. He should hold out for his high-heel wearing dream girl.

Another man called me today - he said he saw I was speaking in his area and had also seen me on match. Holy smokes - that's a little scary that he tracked me down, but okay, I can handle it. We talked a bit, he's a professional and was complaining how hard it was to find women who could fit in both his professional and personal worlds. And you know how he determined this? If the woman knew what to wear. Short skirts and heels for business/after hours events. Me, the queen of blunt and upfrontness, says "I don't wear short skirts to business functions." He said, "Well , you know what I mean - I like girlie girls." I told him, "I'm not a girlie girl - I'm an athlete, I'm a business woman." (Now, I have a backless gown that will bring a man to his knees, but I'm a woman, not some Barbie doll for these freaks to dress up.)

I'm not saying men don't want these things, but if that's the best you can come up with for what you're looking for, you are way too shallow for me. If a man were to ask me what I was looking for, I'd say something crazy like "someone who can make me laugh" or "someone who likes to travel" or "a guy who's active". I figure most adult men know how to dress and I just don't worry about it. If I'm attracted to a man's personality and looks, the last thing I'm worrying about is what's he's wearing. Good grief.

Since we're talking about fruits and nuts, let's get back to the EGGSTRAVAGANZA!

I know I've sworn off Russell Stover, but I had never tried anything strawberry or raspberry filled. And even though they weren't wearing high heels, I decided to try them:

Well, they certainly seem to know how to dress. Lovely! Very appropriate.

Now, this is what I really think men care about - how they look naked (strawberry is the milk chocolate on the left, raspberry is the dark chocolate on the right):

After autopsy, you'll see how pink and fluffy strawberry cream is. Raspberry is pretty fluffy too - raspberry whip.

All I can say is "Whip it good!" Raspberry Whip is awesome! I was dumbstruck! It tasted like real raspberry! I was aghast! I don't even love raspberry, but I loved this.

Strawberry was sweet, but it didn't really taste a lot like strawberry. Typical RS. But hey, who cares what's on the inside? It knows how to dress!

Now we need to talk about some serious eggs. See's (check out their Easter candy) just doesn't mess around with these things These babies are gigantic! The Rocky Road Egg weighs 9.5 oz! It has 1200 calories! And it has cute frosting and yellow flowers. I accidentally knocked off the white frosting, so you won't get to see how pretty it really was. Guess that's the problem with clothes - eventually they come off:

The smaller Mayfair egg is 4.2 ozs and has 480 calories. Both are pretty!! And look what's inside!!

This egg is PACKED with marshmallow (fluffy, good marshmallow), walnuts, and layers of milk chocolate. It's pretty damn good. I also have a can of See's nuts - and they are some of the best EVER! I am not kidding you. It's a nut assortment with no peanuts. I hate it when you get assorted nuts and they are packed with peanuts. Cheapskates. Not See's. The walnuts in this egg are delicious! And good for you - Omega 3s! (Well, that's probably offset a little by the quarter ton of marshmallow and chocolate, but what the hell.)

Look how great the Mayfair Egg looks:

My first bite - I thought it was too sweet - those cherries were a little overwhelming. But I wound up eating the whole egg. (So much for my abs.) And there can be no better endorsement than that! The walnuts were great, the chocolate good - this is a real Easter treat. I suggest sharing this and not gobbling the entire egg yourself.

Now look at these - these are the last two left from the four pack (with peanut butter and cocoanut). The sprinkled one is Bordeaux, the other is chocolate butter with walnuts:

Aren't they gorgeous? Bordeaux is a delicious, creamy mixture of brown sugar and butter cream. It almost tastes a little mapley. There's no maple in the ingredients list, but that's what it tasted like to me. The creamy texture and the sprinkles are irresistible.

Chocolate Butter is way rich - it's really like chocolate fudge. Without the nuts, I think it would be too much. The nuts really help balance the sweetness. If you like fudge, this egg is for you!

Let me go put on some heels with my short skirt - my pimp daddy says it's time to get to work!

Match.com and the Marshmallow

As my dating adventure continues (I had a second good date with the guy I like, but I'm taking that slow. Not sure if he's a playah or not. Will keep you posted.), I continue to get match.com messages. I got this one the other night:

"So this past weekend I'm working out with my trainer (i do that every day) and I see this beautiful woman smiling her way across the gym and working out. I've been in this gym for almost two years and I never spotted her before. I tell my trainer i think shes gorgious and that I'd kill to have her abs.Two days later, I decide to jump back on match after a 6 month break, and boom....here you are. Coincidence? I dont really believe in them.Our personalities fit, at least on paper. We both love adventure, food and the gym, and according to the match gods, we match up almost perfectly :) Wanna hang out and see what we see?"

Well, I'm game to check out any guy who thinks I'm gorgeous, even if he does spell it wrong.

What I find is a profile that says he is 49, but later says he really is 53, he just doesn't want to be cut out of searches that stop at 50. (HELLO - you are 53, you should be left out of those searches. Get over yourself!)

He then goes on to rail about women who are out of his specified age range of 35 to 48 (18 to 5 years younger than his real age) daring to contact him. That he has the age range for a reason and they should move on. Note to Madonna - you are too old, don't contact this man!

Now he exceeds my age range by three years (I'm 43, I prefer to date guys 38 to 48, but I recently bumped it up to 50. And I'll give anybody a chance, age is just a guideline for me. There are some older guys who are hot!). But how hypocritical of him! Don't contact him, but he can contact me. He also goes on to say:

Ladies I've been clear about the importance of health & taking care of yourself. If you aren't slim or toned, please understand we wont be a match. Save us both the uncomfortability of me saying no thanks.

I'm sorry - what a hypocritical jerk! I saw this guy in the gym and he is nowhere near "slim and toned." (Can you say "beer gut?")

After reading his profile, I send him the following message:

To use the words from your profile:

If you are outside of the ages I've listed, please move on.

Why wouldn't you practice what you so strongly preach?

He responded by blathering about how he wasn't the typical 53 year old man, blah, blah, blah. In other words - he's so hot, that other people's age ranges don't apply to him. But old (older than 48) women should not bother HIM. And God forbid if you aren't slim and toned, because honey, he's too hot to bother deleting your attempt at connection.

How repulsive!

I told his guy his age didn't bother me, but his words did. (And the truth is, I don't care about the beer gut necessarily either - a guy doesn't have to be perfectly fit to impress me. I'd rather have a man 20 pounds overweight than 20 pounds underweight. With this man, it's the HYPOCRISY!) He has since changed his profile and tried to convince me that he's really a nice guy, but it's too late. He's already shown me who he is. His actual situation doesn't merit his pickiness. I see this with a lot of guys - they think fit young women should date fat guys much older than they are. Apparently they either don't realize how overweight and old they really are (they think they look great for their age and thus feel free to basically lie about it) or they think hot younger women are desperate. HA! What do I need with some old fat guy with an ego the size of a small planet? EWWW!

Now, not all men on match.com are like this, not at all. There are many truly nice guys on there of all ages. It's just the wild west of dating and it is fascinating how people present themselves.

Here's what we're all looking for - someone who wants us for who we are, not what we look like. Someone who is kind - who won't kick us to the curb when we do get old or gain weight - hey, we all will. And someone who doesn't have have the ego of a rock start and the brain of a marshmallow.

And speaking of marshmallow, back to the EGGSTRAVAGANZA!!!!

These are See's Scotchmallow Eggs (more of their Easter candy ):

And look at these by NECCO! What in the world? I thought they only made stuff out of Sweethearts and NECCO wafer material! What are they doing in the marshmallow egg business? But how creative! These look like real egg cartons!

That is where the illusion ends, however:

When I opened this one (they are sealed in shrink-wrap) all the little eggs had fallen into one corner. Not looking so good. I also felt compelled to buy one of each color (white and yellow) thinking there might be some difference. Nope.

And, of course, Hershey has an entry:

No - I didn't go back to Russell Stover. I told you, I am trying to learn from my mistakes and not return to men who break my heart.

Here they are naked (Hershey, NECCO, and See's):

And here's the autopsy photo:

Okay - Hershey is first, NECCO (notice the odd yellowish hue) is second, and last is See's. You will see that See's (hee, hee) is actually packed with caramel. I was so excited by this because I ADORE caramel! Marshmallow I can take or leave, but caramel is another matter. Caramel I will never leave.

The results?

NECCO was not as horrible as I thought. Now that is not a rousing endorsement by any means. It was edible. And I like the size - fun to pop in your mouth.

See's - I hate this - was such a disappointment! The marshmallow was tough. I know - how can marshmallow be tough? It was - I even pulled one apart and just ate the marshmallow. Not so good. The caramel was average. WAH - I REALLY wanted these to be awesome! I do have five more. : (

Hershey's was the best of the lot. The marshmallow was fluffy - like a marshmallow should be and I just like that Hershey's chocolate taste.

But if you really want a kicking Easter Marshmallow (besides Peeps, of course, the ultimate Easter marshmallow, but I'm talking chocolate and marshmallow here). Get thee to the grocery store immediately!!!

That's my girl - Little Debbie - and these are just too damn good. I ate the entire box and was having a tough time not doing it in one sitting. It's the brownie/cookie-like base that makes these so awesome:

And they are only 140 calories each! Not a small amount if you eat the entire box, of course, but a good caloric deal for a big fat marshmallow covered cookie!

This Easter I wish you lots of marshmallow candy in your Easter basket and no marshmallow brains in your inbox.

Chocolate Marshmallow Bars - Two Recipes

Chocolate Marshmallow Bar Recipe
2 oz. unsweetened chocolate
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped pecans
16 large marshmallows

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease an 11-1/2"x 7" baking pan.
   
2. Melt chocolate and butter in top of double boiler over hot water. Set aside.
   
3. Cream sugar and eggs until light and fluffy.
   
4. Add flour. Beat.
   
5. Add melted chocolate and butter. Beat well. Mix in vanilla and pecans.
   
6. Pour into prepared pan. Bake 18 minutes.
   
7. Remove from oven and cover with marshmallows. Return to oven and bake until marshmallows are lightly browned.
   
8. Cool slightly and cut into chocolate marshmallow bars.

Chocolate Marshmallow Bars Recipe #2

3/4 cup butter
1-1/2 cups sugar
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1-1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tbsp. baking cocoa
1/2 cup chopped nuts, optional
4 cups miniature marshmallows

Topping:
1-1/3 cups chocolate chips
3 tbsp. butter
1 cup peanut butter
2 cups crispy rice cereal

1. In a mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar.
   
2. Add eggs and vanilla; beat until fluffy.
   
3. Combine flour, baking powder, salt, and cocoa. Add to creamed mixture. Stir in nuts if desired.
   
4. Spread in a greased jelly roll pan. Bake at 350 degrees F for 15-18 minutes.
   
5. Sprinkle marshmallows evenly over cake; return to oven for 2-3 minutes.
   
6. Using a knife dipped in water, spread the melted marshmallows evenly over cake. Cool.
   
7. For topping, combine chocolate chips, butter, and peanut butter in a small saucepan. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until melted and well blended. Remove from heat, stir in cereal. Spread over cooled chocolate marshmallow bars. Chill.